Too Much

I feel like everything is getting just too much. I feel overwhelmed with everything that is going on. I am so mad at myself. I didn't lose any weight yesterday so I am still the same today and then now so far today I have had like 660 calories! I am so fucking mad at myself! I feel like I have eaten a mountain.

I still have the Halloween party to go to tonight. I can't eat anything while I am there. Tomorrow will be an interesting challenge because I will be home all day with my bf. I don't want to have anything to eat but I know I will have to. But if I can stick to a strict diet of one yogurt, an apple for lunch and then soup for dinner i should be okay I hope.

I am trying really hard to stay calm and go slow. But I just want it now and when the numbers don't go down every day then I totally freak out and lose it. My first goal was to be 96 pounds by October 31st. So far I think I can make that goal. I am only 1 pound away from that.

I'm not sure what my next goal is going to be just yet. I definitely want to go slow but it's really hard to do that. I guess by Christmas I want to be about 85 pounds. So I guess my next goal once I have reached 96 pounds I should try for 92 pounds.

But again non of this is enough. I get a high from thinking about being 85 pounds. And I have worked really hard to get down from 117 to 97 pounds. I have lost 20 pounds since I seriously started losing weight which is really good but not good enough. I should being doing better. I should be a better person. I shouldn't care about stuff like this but I do and I would do anything to get it. I don't even care that this is going to kill me. How selfish can I be?

Down 4 pounds!

I am pretty happy today. I have lost 4.4 pounds in the past 3 days. I am now 97.4 pounds today which looks so much better on the scale than 101.8. I was so mad at myself for gaining that back. It feels good to be losing weight again.

I went shopping with my older sister yesterday which was fun. I bought a pair of 00 jeans and they are even a little big on me! My sis was even kind of fun to hang out with because she didn't harp on about my weight. She said all she could do was be supportive and there for me. That was really nice because she is usually always trying to get me to eat something and just making me feel bad.

Today I have had 410 calories and I don't plan on having any more to eat. I don't want to go over 500 calories a day so I think it's better if I just stop now.

Tonight I have a gig at the Calgary Zoo. Me and a girl from the orchestra are going to be dressed as dead people and walk around the zoo with our violins and play scary or out of tune music and scare people. It will be really cold outside so I will burn a lot of calories so that's going to be great and I make like $200 so that's cool too. I will have to save up for more 00 jeans. Non of my other pants really fit me anymore so pretty soon I will have to buy all new clothes.

I didn't have therapy yesterday like I was supposed to. My therapist cancelled my appointment so I was and still am kind of panicky. I kind of depend on my weekly appointments and this is the first week where I haven't been able to have one. Next week I really hope I see her. As excited as I am about tonight I am so nervous too. I always get nervous before I perform but I feel more nervous today for some reason. I'm sure it will be fine though.

Today has been not too bad. I am trying to get some calories in in the morning and then only a few in the evening. Yesterday I did quite well I thought with only 340 calories. I lost 2.1 pounds yesterday. Today I am sitting at 99.6 pounds so back under 100 again! I was so happy when I stepped on the scale this morning. So far today I have had a grande skinny vanilla latte and half a can of canned orange. I got 12g of protein in the latte which is what my therapist is insisting I get more of in my diet for energy. She wants me still to eat 1000 calories at least a day but I feel that if I am counting the calories it's way too much food. 500 calories sounds better.

My hands are a little shaky today maybe from low blood sugar or I also did forget to take my meds today and that sometimes throws me off a bit. But I'm not too worried about that I'm just so glad to be under 100 pounds again!

I'm going to get low calorie soup for dinner tonight and some yogurts as well so that Mendel still sees that I am eating. If I can avoid dinner altogether though tonight I will. I hate eating after 6pm.

Tomorrow I don't work so I will have to be extra careful not to over eat. I usually do when I am home alone. So I have a meal plan for the day of yogurt and tea for breakfast. Then for lunch I have low calorie soup with tea. Dinner I may just have more soup or another yogurt before my orchestra rehearsal. Then in between all of that I will drink water and more tea.

I hope it all goes well! :) <3

So these are my thighs right now. Not too, too bad. They look a little better than they did before so that's good. I will hopefully load some more pictures later.

Back Again :)

I've been away from blogging for the past week and a bit. I've just been feeling so depressed and out of it. I haven't made it into work too much. I am still seeing my therapist once a week. I was trying to be normal and eat normal for all this past week but it has made me feel even worse. My memory is a little better but I don't like that. I like when I forget so that I don't have to think.

I want to focus on my ED instead of having to deal with the other stuff in my life. So I thought by this time with the amount of food I have been eating that I would for sure be like 106 lbs by now but I only at 101.8 so that's not too bad. And maybe my metabolism is a little better so I can restrict as much as possible before it slows down again and then I will maybe go on a liquid fast. Juice and skinny lattes only. For now though I think I may try 400 calories or under. But I will have something with eat meal. At least one or two eggs at dinner so my bf sees that I am still eating and won't get suspicious.

He is part of the reason I am feeling so shitty. I thought he would be really happy that I was eating normally again and whatever but he's been really grumpy all the time. I can't seem to do anything right. I am on this anti-depressant called Venlafaxine and it fucking stinks. I think it has improved my mood a little but made me more panicky and I have no sex drive. TMI, but I can't have an orgasm anymore so sex is like no fun. I only do it to keep my bf happy but I have absolutely no interest in it whatsoever.

So today I start again with my weird 10 day plan of weight tracking. Starting point 101.8 lbs, with a BMI of 19.2.

I am just so tired of trying to deal with all this hit happening. I can't handle it all anymore. I am sick of my bf at the moment and sick of food! I wish I could just go away somewhere and be alone and starve to death. But I won't do that. I will just slowly lose the weight again. This is the shortest time between weight loss and gain I have ever had. Usually I gain for about a month or two before I start restricting again. Thanks to the people that have posted comments on my blog though I feel so much better and motivated to do well. It's nice to have encouraging voices for a change.

Love you all <3

Bad Memories

I wish I had the courage to shout out. I want to scream out all the pain I have inside because then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. I feel like all my insides are screaming at me in protest of what I am doing. I sit still like a good girl and I go to work and I go to orchestra and I smile all fucking day long. Well, sometimes I am just tired of smiling. My face fucking hurts from it all. When I look in the mirror all I see is my eyes and they always look sad. I don't remember ever seeing something I liked in the mirror.

I wish that I wanted to live. I wish that I could just be happy with who I am and what I have. I have such a great family and an amazing boyfriend all of whom love me very much but I am still so sad all the time. I wish I could be like other people and not be afraid to go out. I just want to die. I am tired of trying. I'm done, I'm so fucking done.

I used to be able to go out to bars and pubs and feel okay about it but then I got drugged. I went out with a girl I went to school with and some guy she was sleeping with. We had a big table to ourselves and I should have trusted my gut then because I didn't feel safe. He came to the table and brought us both drinks. I drank the vodka cran, and then Sarah and I went to the bathroom. I know I sat back down at the table after but after that I don't know what happened. I remember two small details about that night. I remember that all of a sudden I am in a different chair and the guy is looking at me weird and I am so confused and I feel like I can't move any part of my body. Like it doesn't belong to me or something. Then it all goes black again. The next thing I remember is that I am screaming and crying like a baby and I don't care who hears me and I don't know where I am but I feel so sick. My bf tells me what happened the next day. Apparently I started to throw up in the bar so Sarah found my phone and called my older sister. My sister was already out somewhere and drinking herself so she called my dad. My dad and sister came to get me in his car. Sarah told my dad that I was drunk, but he knew I wasn't because I had no idea where or who I was and my breath didn't stink of alcohol. He took me back to my apartment where my bf looked after me. My dad told him there was something not right and so my bf (like he does for everything) googled it. He figured out that I was drugged. He told me the next day that I cried and screamed most of the night and that I didn't know who he was and that I kept passing out mid sentence and he thought I was going to die. I cant go out to bars or pubs now. I don't accept drinks from anyone. I wish I wanted to go out. But people are terrible and you cant trust them. I fucking hate Sarah. She knew he drugged me and she was fucking in on it but whatever they gave me I dint take it well and started barfing. I'm glad I did. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't. The thought makes me sick.

I feel like whenever I seam to get my life on track something bad happens to me so why keep trying? I am always so tired. I just want to stay in bed all day and not talk to anyone But no. I don't ever do that. I put on a smile and I go to work and smile all god damned day and then I come home and smile some more till it's time for bed. Then when my bf is asleep I can go to the bathroom and cut my hip. It's the easiest place to hide it. He deserves so much better than me. He is only 22 years old, he should be with someone who  wants to go out and have fun. He should be with someone who wants to have sex all the time and who doesn't destroy their own body. I wish that I could be that girl. But I'm not and I don't think that I could ever be that.

I have given up that I will ever have a future. I wont get married of have kids because I want to kill myself. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I just want to fucking die. I want to give up so bad, but I don't want to hurt my family any more than I already have. But if I die now then it will stop me from hurting them more.

Day 1

I saw my therapist a few days ago. She wasn't too happy with me. She wants me to keep this food journal now and keep track of everything that I eat and my goal is to eat 1000 calories. That's a little much for me. I will keep the journal, but I'll under eat what I actually say I am and eat more like 500 calories. I just can't imagine eating so much every day. She told me that I could just suddenly die. Like some people don't even have to be really underweight to just fall down dead. So that really scared me and so yesterday I ate so much and of course gained like 3 pounds!

So today I am trying to to beat myself up too much about it. I was going to fast for two days but I think instead I will just try and have my 500 calories every day for now this week and then maybe do a fast next week. Just have to stay calm and know that I can lose those 3 pounds this week. I'll only be one week behind but that's okay... I think. The weekends are of course the hardest because I am home with my bf all day and so he watches me. But I'll see what he is doing Sunday and if he will be at home, then maybe I'll go to the mall or something just to get away from eating too much.

Along with trying not beat myself up too much I have started my 10 app plan over again so that I can feel better about a fresh start. so today I am starting in at 101.4 as Day 1... Sucks I know but you have to start somewhere I guess and here I am back above 100 pounds...

Last night was the first time in a few months that I have thought about suicide. I don't want to get back to that dark spot again. I've attempted suicide a few times in the past and it scares me a lot. It's weird. I'm scared to die of things like old age and car accidents or plane crashes, but taking my own life doesn't seam as scary to me. I don't really understand that and I've never said that to anyone. Maybe because if I take my own life, I'm making the decision and I feel ready? I don't know. It's kind of a creepy comforting thought I guess. I stopped myself last night but sitting next to my bf so that if I did suddenly get up to do something he would notice. It helped me calm down a little as well.

So I'm off to start my new day, wish me luck that I don't run out on my job screaming! :P (Saturdays ALWAYS crazy busy with too many people.)

Pizza...

I went in to work today even though I really didn't want to. And I really shouldn't have! I was panicky all day long and I had no idea why until lunch. I realised how hungry I was and all I could think about was eating as much as I could as fast as I could. I went to a grocery store and bought a whole pizza, doughnuts, salad with chicken and cookies. I ate a piece of pizza in the car on the way back to work and then another piece at work. I ate a small but of a cookie and then I felt so unbelievably sick! I wanted to throw up so bad. Partly to throw it up because I was so mad and partly because I was so full it thought it may have come out whether I wanted to or not. I didn't which was good and bad I guess.

For the rest of the day I felt so ashamed of myself. I couldn't believe I did that but then I figured I hasn't really eaten that much in ages and a slip every now and then really isn't the worst thing in the world. So I spent the rest of the day at work being as active as possible by taking apart a ton of boxes from a big order we got and vacuumed and cleaned the bathroom. It was really cold and snowing bad when I got home so I didn't get out for a walk but it's okay.

Just weighed myself an hour ago and I'm 98 pounds. So I really only gained a pound with my mouth stuffing frenzy which isn't too bad I guess. Ive gained more before. I was just so scared that I was going to be back up to 100 pounds again! My goal for the end of the month is to be 92 pounds. We will see how that goes.

I did have a good start to the day though. I tried on a pair of jeans that used to be really tight on my. Now they are really baggy at the hips and at my thighs! I was so happy. I almost wore them today but then decided to wear tighter jeans. I need to go shopping and buy new jeans that fit me better. Currently I only have one pair of jeans now that actually fit. So yay for a shopping trip! I did kind of take a picture of this today but I still feel really fat. I do want to take a good picture though maybe tomorrow because I want to have a comparative one for when I get to my goal weight. I should get on that.

My 10 day plan thing on my phone looks awful! It's all over the place which sucks as my last one was a nice gradual line down. But I guess we all have our "off" times so I will keep going on it and post it when it is done and then start on the next 10 days. I want to keep good track of all this so that when I have days like today I don't go off course too much. It really does help because you don't want to see the numbers creeping up all the time.

Tomorrow I see my therapist. I am not looking forward to taking the bus and train downtown in the cold but maybe I'll get a tea on the way to warm me up. Hoping that by tomorrow morning I am a little less than 98! I usually go down a little over night so that's great. Also spending the rest of the day with my mom and she doesn't usually force me to eat because I always say how I'm trying really hard to eat when I am actually trying really hard to lose weight. But we will probably just sew and start on making some Christmas presents early so that we are somewhat ready this year! Goal for Christmas is to be 85 pounds!

Lots of love. <3