I thought that today I was going to do okay. I was going to take the bus and train downtown to go to my therapy and then walk home but that didn't happen. I woke up so late so I was already frazzled by the time I got there and it just kept getting worse.
I just broke down as soon as I sat down on the couch and couldn't stop. I cried about wanting to quit orchestra and work and just stay at home and starve to death. I hate myself so much. My weight loss has slowed down so much and I feel like such a failure. I don't have the desire to do anything that I used to do like painting or playing my violin.
When I was 12 or 13 I used to play my violin up to 6 hours a day. Not to study for exams or competitions or anything. It was all just for me. My violin was my best friend and whenever things got hard at school or my parents were fighting because my mom was depressed I was always able to escape to my room and play my violin. My parents used to say that I would escape to my never ever land. But now I can't even manage to take my violin out of the case. Sometimes I have to put it under the bed so I can't even see the case at all. I can't listen to any music sometimes. A world without music is hell, but I get stuck in the thing where even listening to it makes me feel unbearably sad.
I think this is part of why I chose to lose weight. It's something that I know I can do and it rewards you with skinny. Not always happiness, but skinny.
I just want this day to end but it's only noon. I still have orchestra tonight. I'm debating about not going at all but if I skip this week and go next week then I will be so far behind. If I quit I will disappoint so many people. My dad is always talking about my orchestra and how its going. He loves that I am playing in the orchestra. So I can't tell anyone that I would feel guilty because then he would feel like he is pushing me. He has never forgiven himself for the things he aid to me when I was with Darcy (my abusive ex bf) for a year. I thought my dad hated me and he was always yelling at me. Now I know he only yelled and was mad because he was scared. He told me that he thought Darcy would kill me, but he was even more scared if he did anything that Darcy would kill me for sure. I feel awful for putting him through that so I can;t make him feel bad about this. And what if I quit this week and next week I feel better and I regret? I quit my college course last year and I regret that now.
Ugh! I just don't know what I am going to do. I don't want to do anything but be at home and I really don't want to work. But then if I stay at home and sleep I won't make the rent. I work full time as is plus some overtime and I can barley pay rent now, so I really can't afford to miss a day.
Sorry for my really depressing rant. I hope you all are well.
The violin sounds wonderful... I used to absorb myself in either my writing, sewing or gaming for days, weeks on end. I could never be motivated for two at once, because I was very obsessive once I started doing sometimes. But now, I haven't gamed, sewn anything, or written anything in over two years. It's horrible how an eating disorder can take passions away, but I guess it puts you in a never-ever land of its own. It distracts from all the other issues, but then you're stuck with one you can't escape.
ReplyDeleteRanting isn't a bad thing, especially on your blog. Writing things down helps so much in itself, even just to sort out your thoughts. I hope things brighten up for you soon <3
xxBella