Back Again :)

I've been away from blogging for the past week and a bit. I've just been feeling so depressed and out of it. I haven't made it into work too much. I am still seeing my therapist once a week. I was trying to be normal and eat normal for all this past week but it has made me feel even worse. My memory is a little better but I don't like that. I like when I forget so that I don't have to think.

I want to focus on my ED instead of having to deal with the other stuff in my life. So I thought by this time with the amount of food I have been eating that I would for sure be like 106 lbs by now but I only at 101.8 so that's not too bad. And maybe my metabolism is a little better so I can restrict as much as possible before it slows down again and then I will maybe go on a liquid fast. Juice and skinny lattes only. For now though I think I may try 400 calories or under. But I will have something with eat meal. At least one or two eggs at dinner so my bf sees that I am still eating and won't get suspicious.

He is part of the reason I am feeling so shitty. I thought he would be really happy that I was eating normally again and whatever but he's been really grumpy all the time. I can't seem to do anything right. I am on this anti-depressant called Venlafaxine and it fucking stinks. I think it has improved my mood a little but made me more panicky and I have no sex drive. TMI, but I can't have an orgasm anymore so sex is like no fun. I only do it to keep my bf happy but I have absolutely no interest in it whatsoever.

So today I start again with my weird 10 day plan of weight tracking. Starting point 101.8 lbs, with a BMI of 19.2.

I am just so tired of trying to deal with all this hit happening. I can't handle it all anymore. I am sick of my bf at the moment and sick of food! I wish I could just go away somewhere and be alone and starve to death. But I won't do that. I will just slowly lose the weight again. This is the shortest time between weight loss and gain I have ever had. Usually I gain for about a month or two before I start restricting again. Thanks to the people that have posted comments on my blog though I feel so much better and motivated to do well. It's nice to have encouraging voices for a change.

Love you all <3