Bad Memories

I wish I had the courage to shout out. I want to scream out all the pain I have inside because then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. I feel like all my insides are screaming at me in protest of what I am doing. I sit still like a good girl and I go to work and I go to orchestra and I smile all fucking day long. Well, sometimes I am just tired of smiling. My face fucking hurts from it all. When I look in the mirror all I see is my eyes and they always look sad. I don't remember ever seeing something I liked in the mirror.

I wish that I wanted to live. I wish that I could just be happy with who I am and what I have. I have such a great family and an amazing boyfriend all of whom love me very much but I am still so sad all the time. I wish I could be like other people and not be afraid to go out. I just want to die. I am tired of trying. I'm done, I'm so fucking done.

I used to be able to go out to bars and pubs and feel okay about it but then I got drugged. I went out with a girl I went to school with and some guy she was sleeping with. We had a big table to ourselves and I should have trusted my gut then because I didn't feel safe. He came to the table and brought us both drinks. I drank the vodka cran, and then Sarah and I went to the bathroom. I know I sat back down at the table after but after that I don't know what happened. I remember two small details about that night. I remember that all of a sudden I am in a different chair and the guy is looking at me weird and I am so confused and I feel like I can't move any part of my body. Like it doesn't belong to me or something. Then it all goes black again. The next thing I remember is that I am screaming and crying like a baby and I don't care who hears me and I don't know where I am but I feel so sick. My bf tells me what happened the next day. Apparently I started to throw up in the bar so Sarah found my phone and called my older sister. My sister was already out somewhere and drinking herself so she called my dad. My dad and sister came to get me in his car. Sarah told my dad that I was drunk, but he knew I wasn't because I had no idea where or who I was and my breath didn't stink of alcohol. He took me back to my apartment where my bf looked after me. My dad told him there was something not right and so my bf (like he does for everything) googled it. He figured out that I was drugged. He told me the next day that I cried and screamed most of the night and that I didn't know who he was and that I kept passing out mid sentence and he thought I was going to die. I cant go out to bars or pubs now. I don't accept drinks from anyone. I wish I wanted to go out. But people are terrible and you cant trust them. I fucking hate Sarah. She knew he drugged me and she was fucking in on it but whatever they gave me I dint take it well and started barfing. I'm glad I did. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't. The thought makes me sick.

I feel like whenever I seam to get my life on track something bad happens to me so why keep trying? I am always so tired. I just want to stay in bed all day and not talk to anyone But no. I don't ever do that. I put on a smile and I go to work and smile all god damned day and then I come home and smile some more till it's time for bed. Then when my bf is asleep I can go to the bathroom and cut my hip. It's the easiest place to hide it. He deserves so much better than me. He is only 22 years old, he should be with someone who  wants to go out and have fun. He should be with someone who wants to have sex all the time and who doesn't destroy their own body. I wish that I could be that girl. But I'm not and I don't think that I could ever be that.

I have given up that I will ever have a future. I wont get married of have kids because I want to kill myself. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I just want to fucking die. I want to give up so bad, but I don't want to hurt my family any more than I already have. But if I die now then it will stop me from hurting them more.