Day 1

I saw my therapist a few days ago. She wasn't too happy with me. She wants me to keep this food journal now and keep track of everything that I eat and my goal is to eat 1000 calories. That's a little much for me. I will keep the journal, but I'll under eat what I actually say I am and eat more like 500 calories. I just can't imagine eating so much every day. She told me that I could just suddenly die. Like some people don't even have to be really underweight to just fall down dead. So that really scared me and so yesterday I ate so much and of course gained like 3 pounds!

So today I am trying to to beat myself up too much about it. I was going to fast for two days but I think instead I will just try and have my 500 calories every day for now this week and then maybe do a fast next week. Just have to stay calm and know that I can lose those 3 pounds this week. I'll only be one week behind but that's okay... I think. The weekends are of course the hardest because I am home with my bf all day and so he watches me. But I'll see what he is doing Sunday and if he will be at home, then maybe I'll go to the mall or something just to get away from eating too much.

Along with trying not beat myself up too much I have started my 10 app plan over again so that I can feel better about a fresh start. so today I am starting in at 101.4 as Day 1... Sucks I know but you have to start somewhere I guess and here I am back above 100 pounds...

Last night was the first time in a few months that I have thought about suicide. I don't want to get back to that dark spot again. I've attempted suicide a few times in the past and it scares me a lot. It's weird. I'm scared to die of things like old age and car accidents or plane crashes, but taking my own life doesn't seam as scary to me. I don't really understand that and I've never said that to anyone. Maybe because if I take my own life, I'm making the decision and I feel ready? I don't know. It's kind of a creepy comforting thought I guess. I stopped myself last night but sitting next to my bf so that if I did suddenly get up to do something he would notice. It helped me calm down a little as well.

So I'm off to start my new day, wish me luck that I don't run out on my job screaming! :P (Saturdays ALWAYS crazy busy with too many people.)