My bf last night decided to talk to me about my weight. It surprised me a lot when he did. I felt like it came out of nowhere. He said he has really noticed in that past few days how little I am eating and how much it scares him. He says that he feels like I am slowly disappearing away from him. I was really upset when he said all this and I was so mad at him for bringing it up. I feel like Ive been discovered and all my plans have gone away. I took more laxatives last night but they only started kicking in this morning while I was at work so I went home. Now I'm trying to clean the apartment and keeping myself occupied so that I don't eat.
I just want to be left alone to starve myself to death. I don't want him watching me and asking me how much I've eaten or why can't I just eat more. I wish that I could run away and live on my own. I love my bf so much but right now I want to be single and live on my own so that no one will know what I am doing. I think I look so fat and ugly. I feel stupid and worthless. I don't even deserve to eat any food or enjoy the little food that I do eat.
Last night was awful. I felt like eating everything. I ate a very small amount of dinner (according to my bf) but I felt full after which I hate when I feel like that. And then all the desserts came out and I could probably have eaten all of it to myself. I wanted to grab all of the cupcakes and stuff them in my mouth. But then of course I didn't because I know how fat I would be if I ate. I feel much better today though which is great. That was my first craving I have had since September 24 which is amazing. Today I had a small piece of bread while my bf was watching. He has a midterm tonight that goes till 9 and I am going to yoga with my mom. So really I don't have to eat anything for the rest of the day. I may have some fruit before I go to yoga tonight so that I don't pass out. My bf doesn't know that I am skipping out of work. I am embarrassed that I have to stay home from work because I was shitting. It sounds so nasty and I don't think I could bring myself to tell him.
I asked my bf if he thought I looked like I had lost weight. He said he did think I had and that he thinks I am too skinny now. I secretly thought that was nice. I want to be skinny and to have someone say it sounds good but at the same time I almost don't really believe him which makes me want to work harder. My mom was 85 pounds when she met my dad so that has always kind of been my goal weight. I love my mom and I want to be like her. She is kind of like an inspiration to me but then sometimes I do this so that I can starve to death. He also asked me if I knew what I was doing to my body. I said I don't like to think about it. I don't want to think what I am doing to my body. It's easier not to think about and to just think about the numbers on the scale.
So that's enough of my depressing rant thing. I hope things get better throughout the day. Time to clean the kitchen and bathroom. Maybe make some sort of cheesy pasta type dinner and flush some down the toilet so that when he gets home it looks like I ate some.
Bye for now. <3
i called into school last night for the exact same thing.
ReplyDeletealthough i think there is something wrong with me because nothing ever ended up happening and i took four times what i should have.
either way, im sure youre gorgeous. dont ever give up hope on yourself. you have to make a decision as to who you want to be in the future. as to what you want for your life and focus all of your energy into that decision.
you have the right to do whatever you want with your life, but there will always be consequences.
wishing you luck love :)
xoxo
daisy <3
Thank you so much for this comment. You really brightend up my day. :)
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